Trolleys

I'm taking a break from the sins of the day to rant about something that bothers me in a trivial and yet somehow time-consuming way.

Trolleys. Or more specifically, the particular troglodytes who wield a trolley like a fifth grader wields a musical instrument: talentlessly and with little regard for the personal space of those around them.

Whenever I go to the shops I am accosted by legions of these spastics who seem completely unable to see, hear or feel any other foreign beings the moment they come into contact with a four-wheeled carrying device. They also develop an unrelenting and unquenchable thirst for carnage and must proceed to destroy fruit stands, display cases, racks and metatarsals. Upon careful observation of the trolley-driver, I have created the following list of rules that they follow strictly and devoutly:

1. The head must always face at a 90 degree angle away from 12 o'clock; this is to ensure that no sale or discount item will be missed. At no point are you to watch forward or to be spatially aware of your surroundings - this will only serve to distract you from the pursuit of stock on special.

2. Children are never to be carried in the designated child seat within trolleys - they must stand inside with arms outstretched so they can reach one aisle side (minimum) and thus both block foot-traffic and pull items off shelves. 

2. (b) All noises emanating from children should and must be ignored; it is wrong to censure or discipline children for unruly behaviour as it is their God-given right to fill any given store with shrill, eye-piercing shrieks.

3. Never, under ANY circumstances, apologise for crushing the toes of unsuspecting shoppers. In fact, it would be better for you to not even notice that you have broken the bones of passerbys with your overloaded trolley. If you do not notice, chances are, they haven't either.

4. When looking at the shelves on one side of the aisle or the other, place your trolley behind you and ensure that there is no room for passage on either side of you and the trolley. It is essential that the slipstream of air that the movement of others can create does not disturb your concentration while comparing the prices Heinz and Big Red baked beans. 

5. Always, always take your overstacked trolley to the 10 items-or-less check-out. The line is short for some reason - take advantage of this before other shoppers catch on and everyone goes there.