Game Review: Super Mario Galaxy 2

Super Mario Galaxy 2; also known as Super Mario Galaxy 1.5. There's a lot wrong with this game that has nothing to do with it's gameplay or it's storyline, but in its conception and execution.

After Bowser's defeat in the first Galaxy, the black hole that threatened to destroy the universe was sealed by the explosive orgasms of all the stars you'd managed to collect; apparently this act also sealed away any future storylines, music, the hot chick and emotional connections for Galaxy 2.

Immediately following this, the Princess manages to get herself kidnapped again (and hopefully made teen-pregnant by vicious reptiloids) and Mario has to rescue her for some unfathomable reason. This girl seems too high maintenance for anyone with a modicum of common sense but Mario seems to have nothing better to do with his time than prevent regicide.

Now gone is the observatory from the first game, and along with it my favourite part of Galaxy 1 - the soothing waltz music and extremely saucy minx that piloted it with her giant fringe of hair. Instead we get a somewhat surreal ship shaped like Mario's head which grows warts all over it with every power up you accumulate on your journey. This is the only game I've ever encountered where your reward for excellent gaming is to have your vehicle become more grotesque over time. The image of the wart on Starship Mario's nose exploding pus in the form ofYoshi is a visual I could've lived my life without seeing.

Which brings us to the unique quality of Galaxy 2 - Yoshi - the green dinosaur with a tongue suitable for porn and awful gameplay mechanics. A number of the puzzles rely on your usage of his tongue to flip this switch, or collect those apples in a timely fashion and the controls for doing so are simply horrendous. Combining motion control, nunchuk movement and pointing-and-clicking along with being upside-down and a reversed control scheme is one of the more infuriating jobs I've ever had. I say jobs, because there was no way at that moment that it could count as "fun". It's work coordinating this mess.

The puzzles and level design are largely the same as from the first game - usually involving Mario jumping on enemies and transforming into super-fireball-iceman-mode. These tasks will always be on a timer to add artificial difficulty to the game - it's Nintendo hard after all, which means it must be solvable by even the most mentally handicapped of children.

What strikes me most about this game is the tutorials. It just loves to teach you how to play. It assumes that you've never touched a Wii, never heard of Mario and have no ability to learn through playing, trial and error or by simply bashing the controls against your skull until something happens. Every single level has a tutorial that pops-up to teach you how to solve the puzzle and ensure it can wring ever last bit of fun away from the game. Even the game disc itself comes with a DVD which you can watch to teach you how to play! It's the Nintendo Wii! Keep pressing buttons until something happens! I know I'm 23 years old and probably have better problem solving skills and hand-eye coordination than the target audience, but still - I played Mario games when I was 6 and could work out how to use a controller. Why does Nintendo insist on insulting me, punching me in the face and asking me if I want another?


My problem with this game isn't that it sucks, or it's boring, or not fun - it's interesting enough, and relatively fun; it's just that it's not any different from Galaxy 1. There seems to be no reason to bother with this game, unless you prefer green asexual dinosaurs over boobs.


I would be astounded if they could give Mario some semblance of personality; maybe when he rescues the Princess he lamps her one for being completely useless. Or maybe the ending cutscenes shows him slipping some "stars" into her drink, winking at the camera as he carries her unconscious body off-screen.


There may be similiar complaints to be made of Nintendo's other franchises Zelda and Metroid, but at the very least these games have distinct and compelling storylines. Sure, Link might need to save the princess but he's always got other things to do: save the world, after accidentally dooming the world, gain the second sight, get some new pants, get fired out of cannons by women etc etc. Mario does nothing but go to rescue his stupid woman and he doesn't even get his mack on for his trouble.


Super Mario Galaxy 2 is colourful, interesting visually and entirely unoriginal.Should you miss it? I'd have a hard time distinguishing it from the other games if I didn't have the DVD case to tell it apart from the others.